ABSOLVE

Hello again to all my friends, I'm glad you've come to play. The fun and learning never ends. Here's what we'll do today:

First, a bit of an aside. I'm not sure whether to continue presenting the words in alphabetical order, or to just start picking one from the list based on what I'm feeling on any given day. After all, not every item necessarily lends itself to gut-busting hilarity. Just something for me to consider. Also, my apologies for the long delay between posts. My wireless internet wasn't working. After a week, I finally clicked the "diagnose problem" button and realized I had switched the "receive wireless internet" switch off. Why such a switch is even on my laptop, I am uncertain. In the future, I will endeavor to post at least one entry a week. Or, if you're British, endeavour.

At any rate, the topic of today's lesson is the word "ABSOLVE". Absolve is the verb form of absolution, which is the ceremonial forgiveness of sins by a church, especially the Catholic church. In Catholicism, absolution is the end result of the process called Confession, or, if you're feeling especially precocious, The Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation. In this sacrament, a person first confesses his or her mortal sins to a priest. A mortal sin, in Catholic theology, is one which condemns the sinner to hell. This is as opposed to an immortal sin, which is so mind-bendingly hardcore that it becomes sentient and is worshipped as a God on obscure Pacific islands. That was a lie. The actual opposite of a mortal sin is a "venial sin", or "forgivable" sin. This is a sin which is done accidentally or does not concern a "grave matter".

After the sin is confessed, the priest assigns a penance ("PENANCE" would almost be on our list if not for that pesky first "e"). A penance is a task or series of tasks which must be performed by the sinner in order to obtain absolution. Usually in modern times the penance consists of saying a series of prayers, such as the Lord's Prayer, the Hail Mary, and the rosary. However, other more awesome, albeit cringe-inducing (from herein described as cringe-ducing) forms of penance are also sometimes performed. For centuries, certain monastic orders have participated in self-mutilation in order to cleanse their sins. One such group was the flagellants, monks who whipped and beat themselves to stave off what they believed to be God's wrath during the Black Death in Europe. You may remember them from such films as Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where they instead whacked themselves on the head with wooden boards. They also appear briefly in Michael Chrichton's "Timeline". Yes, I know book titles should be underlined, but when I type ctrl+u it brings up the source code, so you're just going to have to deal. Anyway, another interesting practice of self-mutilating penance is the wearing of the cilice. In ye olden tymes, the cilice was simply a shirt made of loosely-woven goat hair which was quite itchy and made the wearer mildly uncomfortable. However, some members of the Prelature of Opus Dei do things a bit differently. The cilice they wear is a tight belt with metal barbs jutting inward, which cut and tear the flesh. Silas, the albino assassin in "The Da Vinci Code" wore one.

Ouch. Cringe-ducing.

A final word about penance- I saw a movie once, in history class or something, where some Conquistador guy was in a South American jungle somewhere and had been charged with the penance of dragging his armor behind him. Then he has to scale a freakin' waterfall. Awesome. BTW, Googling "scale waterfall armor penance" reveals the title of the movie to be "The Mission".

After one's penance is complete, one is seen as being washed of all confessed sin. Since this forgiveness essentially comes from man instead of from God, it has received some opposition. In the early sixteenth century, Huldrych Zwingli, a serious contender for having the best name ever, was a major leader in the Reformation in Switzerland. He held that the man-given absolution was insignificant and meaningless. He also questioned several tenets of the Catholic church, including Transubstantiation, the Catholic belief that during Communion, the bread used actually becomes the body of Christ. Zwingli worked in tandem with other, more famous Reformation leaders Martin Luther and John Calvin, helping to form the belief system of the Protestant faith, more specifically the Reformed Church. And at the age of 47, he actually died in battle with a ragtag army of Catholics. Neat.

Zwingli.

This lesson is quickly getting long and dull, so I'll try to wrap it up by mentioning a few last interesting things. At several points in history, the Catholic church has actually sold absolutions, a practice common during the Spanish Inquisition and which certainly raised the ire of Reformation thinkers. In addition, Catholics in some countries still purchase masses specifically to honor and pray for the souls of deceased relatives. These masses are called "obligations". While the purchase of masses has become uncommon in the Western World and the purchase of absolution is now officially frowned upon by the Catholic Church, it is still possible to buy official blessings from the Pope in the Vatican gift shop. I kid you not. Just about the only other thing you can buy there is Vatican currency. If you are so inclined, you may order these blessings here: http://www.vaticanblessings.com/

So as to keep things diverse, I'd also like to mention the Hindu absolution festival of Maha Kumbh Mela, a six-week event which takes place every twelve years. During the festival, approximately 70 million Hindus gather to wash themselves in the Ganges river, which they believe will absolve them of their sins. I personally would be wary of attempting to get clean by bathing in a river downstream from tens of millions of other people, but as I haven't tried it, I shall refrain from knocking it.

That's today's lesson, and if you find yourself bored out of your mind I won't drag you back. But if in fact you do check back in the weeks to come, I'll try to make the entries bit funnier and more frequent.

Goodbye, and have an ABSOLUTE-ly enjoyable week.

ABALONE

Hello, class. In this illustrious first lesson, we'll be looking at the abalone, a noble mollusk. Abalone are a variety of large sea snails in the family Haliotis, with nearly 100 known species worldwide. They are found in coastal waters surrounding every continent, with the exception of the east coast of North America, which is lame because it means I live near the one coast in the world where I can't go out and conceivably catch an abalone.

Abalone are cool for several reasons:

1. Their shells are made from calcium carbonate. After I wrote that, I realized that Han Solo was frozen in carbonite, not calcium carbonate. I then planned to delete this item from the list, but further research revealed that it is still a major contributor to abalone awesomeness. The crystalline structure of the abalone's calcium carbonate shell is so strong that scientists are studying ways in which the same structure may be incorporated in the construction of body armor. BODY ARMOR. Just imagine...You'd be all marching into the heat of battle, facing your foe, and he'd be all letting loose with a salvo of gunfire, and you'd fall to the ground. Triumphantly he would stride over to your crumpled carcass, look down his nose at your prostrate, unmoving form, and laugh snottily. This is when you rapidly sit up, punch him in the groin, grab his gun and break it over his head. Once he is able to take a break from writhing on the ground long enough to sputter, "But...how?", you unbutton your shirt slowly, and your nemesis groans, "I shoulda known...abalone vest."
The abalone's shell is also cool because the inside surface is coated with a thick layer of nacre, also known as mother of pearl. It is shiny and makes most excellent guitar inlays, according to Emmett Otter, the titular character in "Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas." When abalone shells are ground to make mother of pearl jewelry, another badass property is revealed: The dust produced is a severe respiratory irritant. Also, the dust often contains tiny pieces of shellfish proteins, which can cause death in those allergic to shellfish.

2. Not only is "ABALONE" the first word on the list alphabetically, but it also has the most syllables out of all the words, with a whopping 4: [ae-buh-low-nee]

3. While this may seem sexist, it has been noted by several other people on the internet. Quite simply, the abalone bears a rather striking resemblance to a certain part of the female anatomy:
Before this observation can lead to nasty comments from female readers, I'd like to point out that the abalone is not the only marine gastropod which resembles a human reproductive organ. Behold, the geoduck, a large variety of digging clam:

The geoduck has become endangered in Japan due to its frequent use as a supposed aphrodisiac. I wonder why.

Oh, now I see.

I think I'd better stop before you get to thinking I have a one-track mind. That's the lesson for today, and I hope you've found it enlightening. Keep checking back for more.