ABALONE

Hello, class. In this illustrious first lesson, we'll be looking at the abalone, a noble mollusk. Abalone are a variety of large sea snails in the family Haliotis, with nearly 100 known species worldwide. They are found in coastal waters surrounding every continent, with the exception of the east coast of North America, which is lame because it means I live near the one coast in the world where I can't go out and conceivably catch an abalone.

Abalone are cool for several reasons:

1. Their shells are made from calcium carbonate. After I wrote that, I realized that Han Solo was frozen in carbonite, not calcium carbonate. I then planned to delete this item from the list, but further research revealed that it is still a major contributor to abalone awesomeness. The crystalline structure of the abalone's calcium carbonate shell is so strong that scientists are studying ways in which the same structure may be incorporated in the construction of body armor. BODY ARMOR. Just imagine...You'd be all marching into the heat of battle, facing your foe, and he'd be all letting loose with a salvo of gunfire, and you'd fall to the ground. Triumphantly he would stride over to your crumpled carcass, look down his nose at your prostrate, unmoving form, and laugh snottily. This is when you rapidly sit up, punch him in the groin, grab his gun and break it over his head. Once he is able to take a break from writhing on the ground long enough to sputter, "But...how?", you unbutton your shirt slowly, and your nemesis groans, "I shoulda known...abalone vest."
The abalone's shell is also cool because the inside surface is coated with a thick layer of nacre, also known as mother of pearl. It is shiny and makes most excellent guitar inlays, according to Emmett Otter, the titular character in "Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas." When abalone shells are ground to make mother of pearl jewelry, another badass property is revealed: The dust produced is a severe respiratory irritant. Also, the dust often contains tiny pieces of shellfish proteins, which can cause death in those allergic to shellfish.

2. Not only is "ABALONE" the first word on the list alphabetically, but it also has the most syllables out of all the words, with a whopping 4: [ae-buh-low-nee]

3. While this may seem sexist, it has been noted by several other people on the internet. Quite simply, the abalone bears a rather striking resemblance to a certain part of the female anatomy:
Before this observation can lead to nasty comments from female readers, I'd like to point out that the abalone is not the only marine gastropod which resembles a human reproductive organ. Behold, the geoduck, a large variety of digging clam:

The geoduck has become endangered in Japan due to its frequent use as a supposed aphrodisiac. I wonder why.

Oh, now I see.

I think I'd better stop before you get to thinking I have a one-track mind. That's the lesson for today, and I hope you've found it enlightening. Keep checking back for more.